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As I watched last nights episode of Grey’s anatomy I reflected on one of my favorite character’s (Dr. Bailey) struggle to have it all. I always loved her character for how she represented for educated professional black women. Her character used to be a strong uncompromising leader who was able to have a loving long lasting relationship with a strong black man, a family and a promising career. With society telling black women that if we choose to rise in our education or career we are essentially also choosing to be single or at most single mothers, it was great to see a positive representation of the opposite. My only complaint with past seasons was that we didn’t see enough and knew so little about her personal life. Her character seemed to often serve as the conscious for the other character’s issues.

Finally this season, we started to see more of her life outside of Seattle Grace Hospital and instead of confirming that she did have it all, we were shown her struggling with a husband that resented her career, her inability to prioritize her family and the collapse of her marriage. Instead of representing hope her character began to confirm society’s  underlying message that if she is so on top of her career then her personal life will be a mess or nonexistent.

Society says that highly educated black women are generally less likely to be married and the possibility of ever marrying decreases as we age and advance in our careers. As I look around at my own friends, I quickly notice that very few look like Chanda, happily married with a family and a career. Most of my Black girlfriends from college and beyond have a similar reality to mine. Highly educated working up in their chosen field and single.

My family have all but given up on me ever settling down and often joke that I am the “career woman.” For all my succcess my grandmother does nothing to disguise her disappointment on my failure to produce her any great-grandchildren. Is it really okay to give up and consider me a confirmed spinster at 30? I hope not!

I try not to believe the hype, and though it can be hard at times to see the light at the end of the tunnel after a bad date, I know that this doesn’t have to be my reality forever. I’m 30 and single and enjoying some of the great things about not being married or having children.

For instance, I get to be a wonderful Godmother to an amazing four year old. I can spoil him and spend time with him without having to deal with the stuff that comes with full-time parenting. I can leave a legacy of love with him without having to change my lifestyle. And I can be a good friend to his mother and give her the breaks when she needs them.

Being married, though a huge part of the overall dream, can also bring about a huge change in life as I know it. As an avid traveler and compulsive shopper, I have often joked with a married co-worker about how much husbands can slow down the decision process. Today I can choose, to take a week long vacation to a destination of my choice, buy great shoes or clothes, or experience life on my terms without discussions, compromising, or negotiating with anyone. I can for the most part do whatever I want, when I want and how I want!

This in no way indicates that I do not want to eventually be married or have children. It just shows that being single in your 30s isn’t the horrible death wish everyone makes it out to be.  I look forward with great joy to sharing my life and parenting someday.

Because at the end of the day, I believe that I deserve and can have it all one day without compromising, regardless of my race, age, education, or profession. Why can’t I someday have the confident, loving, strong black husband; great powerful career; and happy well taken care of children, all at the same time? Or did that dream have to die the day I decided to enter a university and complete my degree; or walked away from an unfulfilling relationship with Mr. Great Guy for Someone Else, without lining up a confirmed Mr. Perfect For Me; or because I held off on having children in my twenties. People like me are often told that in the future we will have to settle on only having some of our dream. We hear that to have the husband I may need to be open to dating and marrying outside of my race, or I can have the career as long as I am not too successful where I outpace and intimidate the eligible bachelors, or I can have the children as long as I decide to raise them by myself. Nothing against anyone living their authentic life in these ways. If you are living authentically and not compromising then you are living the dream fully and should receive the happiness you deserve. It is when we settle for less than we deserve or something not authentic that we are compromising and giving up on the dream.

I think I am still too young to give up on the dream just yet. I am going to continue to hope that not only can I have it all one day, but that I can have all I ever dreamed or hoped for. Hopefully so can Dr. Bailey. 

Until then, I will continue to live out my life “Single in the City” and trust that even more blessings and great things are coming my way.